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Searching my mind over and over, I have been unable to pinpoint the moment. There was a particular shift in the minds of everyone when I lost legitimacy. Was a brief period, a fleeting climb, when my thoughts were desired. I entered the dominion of humanity and it was lost again. When I became honest no one listened anymore. My life is disgusting in a new way. Time to adapt and become unrecognizable.

This marks the change of landscape. Stay tuned for the improvements. This will not be comfortable for anyone.

He did not live in a shrunken world

i have been holding onto a dream. we always said it was like some make-believe place that existed a few days at a time and wondered what it would be like in the real world.

we were in the real world that whole time because it was never true. and that's how the real world is, full of lies and deceit and everyone just getting what they can steal. taking advantage of trust, exploiting goodness.

steel/steal ing ing

i've maintained for 2 months. held to what i said i would do. and i am lonelier than i ever have been, but i'm amazed. to be truly alone, to have to face yourself every night, no distractions, something i have to keep doing i guess.

i don't want to be with anyone. i can't even think of a person i would want to date or even hold hands with for that matter. i'm trying to not have a ridiculous standard, but i think a good start is knowing the difference between "you're" and "your". i can't handle that anymore.

My whole "Month of Glory" idea has completely failed. I was going to make my last days here worthwhile. Instead I spend the majority of my time watching Turner Classic Movies. I get the feeling that there are a number of important people to me who I will never see again.

i don't know... just when i think i have a handle on myself and i've like, grown up or Realized something, there's situations i get into where all my bad feelings come back.


how i can i feel so good about myself and proud that i am accomplishing so much only to come home and obsess over the fact that i am not good enough. or not cool enough. or not more travelled. i need more tattoos. i need some kind of lesbian hat. this seems to be a trend, the lesbian hat. each lesbian has their distinct hat you recognize them by. i'm just not that cool. i kind of don't like wearing hats, i mess with them too much, which is the best sign that you either a) think you're the Shit for wearing it, or b) you're uncomfortable. i wear this leafs hat a lot. because it covers my ears and makes my body all warm from the head down.

i'm probably not cool enough to cut it in the lesbian scene in chicago, i've already accepted this. i've never even been to a gay bar, and i'm slightly suspicious it is because i am not cool enough. which is fine. my drab arizona-ness only seems to work here. or it has for 6-7 years. there, i would just be boring. but i AM boring. i wear the same thing every day pretty much. but that's because it's comfortable and it's what i feel good in. i don't like to complicate myself with Shit. it doesn't really matter. i'm not moving to find someone. (and i'm not moving for someone, also) and i guess i am content being single. it's nice not to give too much of a shit about anything.

they're all super attractive over there too. what's up with that. but in my life i've met lots of attractive people who are pretty stupid, so i guess that's the trade off. even though i'm not very smart. like, i either have the option of being really awesome or having some kind of wicked cool talent or just being in school for the rest of my life and getting a phd in something. both of these things will never NEVER happen. i'm not good at anything, i have no talents, hidden or otherwise that i've discovered. and i'm also of average intelligence. i can spell which i learned a long time ago gives off the impression you're kinda smart. but it's not like i comprehend things all that well or can reference things i've learned before. and i obviously write however the fuck i feel like writing. and. and. and. and. and. and.

and on top of it, i'm even average looking. i guess that is my destiny, average looking, mild mannered (workin on that), kinda smart person with average job. Cool Life, indeed.

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is what it all comes down to. in every argument there is Your Side and there is My Side. and for whatever reason Your Side always seems to be more important. even when My Side hurts, too. i swear to god, someone could run over my leg and i would be upset about it, but somehow their upsetness would outweigh mine. i would have to apologize and comfort them through this "hard time". this is how it feels anyway.

i'm all for fights. only if you don't get scared and run away, but i'm not for just plain bull-headed jerkness. i've spent too much time in relationships being Wrong. i just don't think it's possible for one person, who is pretty in-touch with feelings to be that Wrong all the time. am i right? oops, don't answer.

i always get my arm twisted behind my back, screaming "SORRY! FUCK I'M SORRY!" when my feelings have been glossed over like they aren't real or don't mean anything.

i am a fucking important person. or a PERSON at least. i've got a heartbeat and i breathe just like you. fuck.

and people wonder why i play The Game. here you go: if you are always on top, always Right, always WINNING that leads me to believe i am Losing. and i have changed my ways of thinking from being Wrong all the time so as not to upset one person, only to find out the next person i run into finds my new ways Wrong too.

i guess it is just wrong to be me. every instinct i have is wrong. everything i say is wrong. i'll just spend my life half-living and then apologizing for it, i guess.

There's this little riddle about how friendship lasts and lovers end and I can't figure it out.

"whatever" "what ever"

i put my head to bed last night, i dreamed about lost lots of things but i can't remember any of them now. i woke up at 9, 11 and then 1.

i'm ready to go. no i'm not. well yeah i am. it feels so right to be parting like this, i'm not upset with tucson, i'm just tired of it. there are a lot of things i'm tired of. i'm not playing a game anymore. or i don't want to. at least. i've basically accepted how ,wrong, i am in every situation, but it doesn't eat at me. people aren't really getting to me. and i've stopped listening, mostly.

everyone loves to hear about themselves. they love to hear what you think about them, or what their problems are. then they think you know them intimately or something. it's kind of bullshit. no one knows you better than you, you just are so involved in your own head someone on the outside who can sum that up for you in a couple tight sentences probably looks like jesus. i mean... you knew it all along, is all i'm sayin.

in this way, i play the game. i go along with this. i'll analyze and dissect and pull it apart like fibers of a rope, but i don't care so much. it's mostly for your benefit. and it's kind of like doing the dishes, a rote, muscle memory skill i'm not really thinking about. but look, everything's so clean.

i guess i care about real things. i care about ideas. i care about your own thoughts, not what you think is wrong with you. i have no real right to say this, as that used to be my most favorite topic of conversation, but... it just doesn't mean very much. i wouldn't say i've accepted myself as wrong-less. i just don't feel like i need to beat myself up about it anymore. stop being so mean to yourself. i'm not a miserable person, lots of miserable people are like that.

when i was a miserable person i pushed everyone away. i inwardly punched myself, i outwardly raged, i gravitated towards big, black holes and fell into them willingly. but my future looks a lot like smart, active people working towards something, everything moving, everything shaking and not falling. i don't think i was meant to be a lazy person, and i don't want to be around lazy people. i've got shit to do.